Fat

There are many things about modern life that I am afraid I don’t understand. My lack of comprehension is not borne of stupidity, old age or any other such state: rather I don’t understand some things because they are simply beyond understanding. For example, I don’t understand why people enjoy Formula One, I don’t understand why people like horses (except to eat, which is an experience I have never had but which I would like to try) and I don’t understand why there is a massive multi billion pound industry surrounding human beings wanting to lose weight. The reason I fail to understand the last of these is because there is a very, very simple equation that is within the grasp of even the most stupid of stupid people: if your calorific output is greater than your calorific intake, you will lose weight. If the reverse is true, you will put weight on.

Now it is true that there are fine tunings that can take place within this: some foods are more likely to be stored as fat, it is better to eat bigger meals earlier in the day etc, but the simple truth remains that when the Allies liberated the Nazi Camps at the end of the Second World War, the people they found that were left alive were thin to the point of emaciation. This was because they had had very little to eat for three or four years and had been working very, very hard throughout the same period. Strangely, there were no fat people who had trouble with their glands.

I say that I fail to understand, but in truth, that is not the case. I do understand why there is a diet industry, I just despair of the fact that there is. I understand that what people want is for someone to make it possible for them to continue to eat doughnuts and have a size 10 figure. I understand that people want to eat and eat and then take a pill and have all that food just simply disappear. And, of course, we are moving towards a situation where that is likely to be possible. This is being driven by the Americans of course who can’t countenance the possibility of their consumers actually consuming less, so what the boffins are doing is synthesising a drug that will make it possible to be fat and still very, very healthy. Years of research demonstrate that over-weight people are more fertile because mother nature understands that there is food for all and allows for a population explosion and the fact that the fatties are inherently unhealthy doesn’t matter because the genes have done their job in making sure that there is another generation of carriers to take their place. The same research shows that people who are just slightly under-weight are likely to be much less fertile (not enough food to go round so mother nature does not allow for more mouths to feed) but are likely to be super-healthy: all available nutrition goes not into fat storage, but into keeping all vital organs in the peak of condition to ensure the survival of the gene carrier until such time as there is plenty of food again. Inevitably, what the American scientists have decide to do is not to educate a nation into eating less, but rather to synthesise a drug from the hormones released from slightly underweight people. This drug will be available in pill form and will fool the brains of fat people into thinking healthy thoughts.

All that, so a nation of fatties can carry on eating doughnuts.

I mention this now, because I have lost a stone and a half and I am proud of myself. I have lost a stone and a half since Christmas through a simple process of removing 3500 calories a week from my diet, which means that I lose one pound of excess stored fat per week. This will continue until my reduced body weight requires fewer calories to fuel itself and I will reach an equilibrium, hopefully somewhere around fifteen stones. This will mean my total weight loss will be a smidge over two stone and I will have done something that I have never managed to achieve before without massive emotional trauma (divorce is a great way to lose weight).

I don’t wish to sound sanctimonious and I am not saying it is easy - I had to stop drinking alcohol on three days a week for heaven’s sake! – but the fact is, that like giving up smoking – losing weight is an undertaking that is entirely within the grasp of absolutely everyone.